Doing Things for Me
Day 9
At this point in time I was still pulling my hair out on a daily basis, not knowing what to do about anything really. The days are filled with anxiety of the now and remorse of the past. I was calling my sponsor about ten times a day and still not really being able to keep my head from swimming. All I wanted to do was talk to “Jane” and know that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her how good I am doing and that not drinking is the best thing that ever happened to me, to share the things I had to do for my future, that this is easy (it wasn’t). None of this did I say, it had to be for me.
Nothing would ever be the same. I was finally learning that there were things I had to do for myself, things I had to clean up from my past, things that I had never done before. Yet with each conversation between “Jane” and I, I saw hope and then see that drift away with her anger on another day. I am on an emotional roller coaster of my own doing.
So far this day had been very interesting, I have had a long discourse with “Jane” by email. She seems to be struggling very hard with everything that happened. Seems like she is fighting a little with her family about me, trying to defend me a bit. I told her not to, “let my actions speak for me.” She is hurt and confused and disappointed, as she should be.
Good meeting today at lunch!
Working on my website now. 2nd meeting was good, first time I didn’t share.
It is interesting to see how I am trying to look at things differently in these entries. Here is see myself trying to look at things from her perspective, at least what I think is her perspective. Trying to understand what she is going through and not taking things personally. Is this me trying to hang on, to not get hurt or truly trying to see the other persons side of the equation?
The piece in here that really stands out to me is the quote “Let my actions speak for me” no words will ever change the way others look at me, only what I do. I know that this sounds a bit cliche yet at the same time it is something that I now try to do to the best of my abilities every day. It all started with that thought in that moment.
Life has changed so much since then. I am truly grateful to have the opportunity to be able to look back on this and remember where I was then. It seems so long ago and like it was another person.