Nice, but not what I wanted
Day 10
I’m still not sure when I look back as to why I still try so hard to contact Jane thinking that things will be different. I learned that one definition of insanity is doing things the same and expecting a different outcome. I’m pretty sure that this is also a sign of addiction. Wanting to tell her and make her understand that I have a disease so that she will not toss me aside is full of nothing but self.
Emailed and texted “Jane” a lot today. Nice but not what I wanted. I will try not to contact her till after I have passed my first 30 days.
Went to my normal noon meeting with my sponsor. Then I took a bus out to Kirkland Municipal Court to get my court date to clear my warrants.
I was thinking on the bus and thought about telling “Jane”, “if I had cancer, would you leave?”
A very good friend lent me $120 to help pay my phone bill. That is a good friend.
It is nice to see this and notice the differences in how I think now after three plus years. I still get caught up in self, however I have begun to recognize those instances and can try and correct them before I have to make amends. The occurrences of this behavior are also noticeably fewer and farther between.
Also to note is that the bus ride to another city is a long time and several transfers to be, essentially alone and provides a lot of opportunity to think. Thinking about my life is a public place seems to quell some of the desire to pull my hair out because people will see. Strange how being in the vicinity of other people keeps my inner monologue inline somewhat. Probably not a bad place to go and think when I feel like I’m going out of my mind.