Approaching 4 Years
As I find myself approaching four years of recovery in a week and a half, I find myself reflecting on all of the changes in my life and how grateful I am to be the person I am today.
Four years ago I had no hope of any kind of real future. I did not realize it at the time because I was so wrapped up on the party of life that I didn’t even recognize I had no future. Life was about part time jobs bartending so that I could afford to carry on the party and live. Mind you as I look back it was not really living as much as existing. I would go to the bar on Friday afternoon (okay, around 10:00 am) to have a couple of drinks before the bands started playing that night. Funny that I thought a couple of drinks would take 12 hours. Anyway, I would hang out at my bar and spend all of the money I had and then start in on my tab, which is still not entirely paid off, drinking and smoking until the venue of the nights show would open. I would make my way to the show (bar) and continue to drink. This never cost me anything as all of the places in town would not charge me the cover to see the band and feed me free booze all night long.
Those were very fun times. I saw a lot of really good music and performances, hung out with a large group of people that I called friends,and in most cases still do. We would drink, smoke, talk, tell stories and party like rock stars, admittedly some of them were on a local level. After the show we would go back to one of several practice spaces and continue to drink and smoke while now adding in copious amounts of cocaine. Jam sessions were often going on and I would try to sit in when I could. Chasing the party and the girls was always a main focus of the nights activities. Eventually while out smoking a cigarette we would notice that the sun had risen. This signaled the exodus to the bar as we were usually out of beer and booze by this point. Bloody Marys were always the thought however when I arrived it would always be the usual, a pint of vodka with a splash of soda, a little ice and a squeeze of lime. This pattern would continue throughout the whole day and night for the next two days. I would arrive home Monday morning, broke, spent and ready for a little sleep before my shift that night.
I would never drink during or before my shift yet as soon as I could lock the doors I would have three or four pint glasses by myself before going home. This went on for years until the fateful night when it all came crashing down.
Today I find that I am actually living a life that I am proud of and see a future full of joy and freedom. Freedom from the nightmares of fear that haunted my every hour. Freedom from the burdens of guilt and remorse for wasting my life and not living up to expectations. All my life I had been told that I had so much potential and the I was not reaching for it. No shit! I was afraid of disappointing people and letting myself down. Funny how this became a self fulfilling prophecy and constant reminder of my failures of not even trying.
I am truly loving the life that I have with my new family and friends. I still see my old friends from time to time and I have realized that they do really care and are interested in the “me” that I am now. I guess I wasn’t such a bad drunk after all. I would never want to be that person again as I am accomplishing things now that I would have only dreamed of, or rather talked about and never did anything to make it happen.
Everyday I am reminded of all of the joy in life that I have to feel and yet to discover. Life is more than good, it is filled with hope and confidence.
~ Gorilla in a Meeting