Connections of the Past
Sometimes I Stay Away out of Fear.
I ran into an old friend today. I have nothing but fond memories with him. We watched our kids grow up and play soccer together for a few years. We shared road trips all over the state and some of the neighboring ones for games and tournaments. The time of my life that I was involved with this group of people was a time in my life when I was struggling pretty hard. It was in fact the beginning of the quickening of my decent in to the abyss that was my substance abuse and self destruction.
When I was looking back doing my step work I was really only focused on the things that I had done to others or the things that I did for myself without regard to those around me that it might affect. Often it is hard for me to remember that with all of the wreckage I left behind, I also made some deep connections to people. I have refrained from reaching out to them feeling like it might have not been as real as I thought, or that I may have not been as good a friend as I wish I had been in return.
Today’s chance meeting has reminded me that not all of my past was as fake or as bad as I remember it now. There certainly was deeper connections that were made that I have let go of due to the fear of possibly discovering that they weren’t as real as I wanted to believe. I know now after just the few minutes of seeing my friend that the connection was real and I have nothing to fear.
I often remind the people that I work with in the program that our inventory is not a “beat yourself up” session. We should also take stock of the good things we have done that we should remember to continue to do. We are not perfect creatures and should see ourselves in a way that is balanced. We have done some bad things, fix them. We have also done good things, we are also good people deep inside. Let’s remember to bring out the good and continue with those ways.