This Day Will Forever be Burned in to My Memory
Day 1
This Day Will Forever be Burned in to My Memory.
I read through my journal entries as I approach my birthdays in recovery. I find that it is helpful for me to see how different life is now and how much I have changed through the process of my recovery. I wish to never forget how this was and do not look back with any kind of morose self loathing, I now look forward without fear of ever having to return to those times. Without fear of being the person I was. Without fear of what is to come, or at least without the fear of knowing that fear can be fleeting as long as I meet it head on with faith and courage. The gift of life is mine to never squander again.
Laid in bed all day wanting to die! I can’t get the image of “Jane” lying in her hospital bed, all battered and bruised out of my head. The thought that I allowed this to happen by not being in control of myself is eating away at me! My heart is breaking for her and what she now has to go through with her family. With her own struggle on her path that I will probably never be a part of again.
I miss you so much and will always love you forever, there is no one like you! You are my best friend and it is time for me to be my own best friend too.
I can see as I look at this entry that I was thinking about only two things, how was she going to have to deal with this and how I was going to have to deal with this. I had absolutely no idea of what lay ahead of me. There was no meeting this day, in fact I had not even thought of Alcoholics Anonymous as a possible solution. I have no idea how I made it through day one, I only know that I made it.
No matter how we got here, we are here, might as well make the best of it. “I came in for a girl and stayed for myself.”
~ Gorilla in a Meeting
A grateful alcoholic