With All The Courage I Had
Day 2
My relationship with my mother up to this point had been somewhat tenuous. I had not really spoken to her for several years as I blamed her for taking my son away from me. In all fairness, I was smoking a lot of crack at the time and was not providing a safe and healthy place for my son to grow up in. She was right, however at the time I blamed her for it not myself.
During the first couple of years of my relationship with my girlfriend, she pointed out to me how important family was to her. I knew that I being totally estranged from my family was going to become an issue. I started reaching out to my mother in brief stints to try and repair our relationship, at least for show. I had no idea how important that relationship was to become in my recovery.
If my mother had not been the most patient and loving person, I would never have called her and would never have gone to that first meeting. She always knew that I would come home and she would be there waiting for me. She knew I was in trouble and knew that she could do nothing about it until I was ready to do it for myself. It had to be so hard for her to watch and even harder to stay away not knowing anything.
Today I spoke to my mother a lot, mostly feeling sorry for myself. Missing “Jane” and hoping that she would contact me. I texted and emailed “Jane” an apology for putting more pressure on her by being needy. I am now trying to wait patiently for her to contact me when she is ready. I feel that our love is too strong to just never talk again without closure.
Went to my first AA group at noon. I realize now that I am powerless over alcohol! I feel both better and worse about myself. Admitting this in action and not just words somehow makes it very real.
Still can’t sleep thinking of her!
I barely remember that first meeting. I have been told be a few AA members that were there what it was like. What I remember was having a conversation with my mother and her suggestion that I go to a meeting. I found one online while I was talking to her and said “there is one in fifteen minutes, I gotta go” and I hung up the phone and jumped in my car, for which I had no insurance with my drivers license suspended and warrants out for my arrest. The car was in my son’s name so that I wouldn’t get pulled over if the cops decided to run the plates. To what magnificent lengths we will go to not do the right things in the throws of our disease.
I arrived at an office building above a QFC not too far from my home. I had a hard time believing that I was in the right place. I just didn’t look like anyplace that would have an AA meeting. From the discussions at the bars, I was sure that it would be a dump of a building or church that would be crawling with coffee drinking cigarette smoking losers. However that wasn’t what I found and I needed to go in.
With all of the courage that I had I found my way up to the meeting and sat in a chair. They started with the preamble and the other announcements that were normal in meetings. When they asked for newcomers to introduce themselves I did. I said my name and that I was an alcoholic. This was the first time I had ever said this out loud, let alone to about ten other strangers (weekday lunch meetings can be rather small.) Then the tears came and I spewed out all of the pent up emotions and guilt that I had been keeping in for so long. Most of this I don’t remember, I certainly don’t remember anything that I said specifically. I have been assured that I was a complete mess and belonged there.
After the meeting a gentleman gave me my first Big Book and a meeting schedule with all of their phone numbers in it. I said I had no money and he said that was okay, that someday he hoped that I would be able to pay it forward. I had no idea what he meant yet I was happy to take it. They told me to find another meeting and to not drink in between. If I thought I was going to drink, to call one of the numbers in the schedule book.
I had never felt so relieved in my life. They didn’t care that I was a blubbering mess and told me to keep coming back. So I went home feeling like I could do this.
~ Gorilla in a Meeting
A grateful alcoholic