Why Can’t They Just Be Quiet!
Day 4
They told me that sleep wasn’t going to be easy for a while as my body adjusts to not having the alcohol in it. I suppose I never really slept anyway, I more or less passed out most nights, and when I wasn’t drinking I had other things to keep the voices quite. It’s not “voices” like I was crazy or anything, it’s just that my mind was always thinking about something and I could never truly find any peace. In the rooms I attend they call that the squirrel cage. The squirrel is on the wheel running around and around, throwing different thoughts out. Not many of them seem to connect or make sense and all of them are made up of my fears.
I woke up this morning at 4:32 am. I couldn’t get her out of my mind.
The morning meeting went well. I cried when I talked about what I had done. I’m so sorry “Jane”!
I know today is going to be hard, it’s her son’s birthday party. I helped design all of the invites and party favors and I hope they don’t hurt her to see.
I don’t want to drink or kill myself and that is good. I just want to talk to “Jane”. I feel so guilty for hurting you. I miss you so much! I love you “Jane”! <3
The biggest thing I take away from group this morning is to use the and instead of but.
I have struggled most of the day alone. I am starting to get mad at alcohol for being the cause and less this being my fault. I have a disease, I hope she realizes this.
Still can’t stop thinking about her.
Her step sister unfriended me today. Her real sister has not yet, when her daughter and son go, I know it’s over.
I walk to every room with my phone hoping she will call.
I can tell looking at this that the booze haze is starting to wear off and these were written at different times throughout my day. I have been clean now for over 72 hours and my thoughts feel disconnected and emotionally charged. So many paragraphs that are just simple one line thoughts. I see that I am still blaming myself for an accident that neither of us can remember.
This was my first Saturday sober. I remember that I walked three blocks down the street to a little coffee shop that I had passed many times (it was next door to the bar I spent my last night at) and always thought it looked quaint. It had a logo with Che Guevara on the sign and it was tiny with a little bit of outdoor seating pretty much in the parking lot of Tool Town.
When I walked in to the coffee shop I was greeted by only a couple of faces that I recognized from my meeting on Thursday night. The rest of the people there were a generation older than me and for some reason I felt comfortable. It was nice to be around people that had been where I had been and just wanted to smile and let me know it was going to be okay and that I never had to go back to being that person again.
I still go to this meeting almost every Saturday morning. The location has changed, some of the faces are no longer with us and some have come to replace them. This meeting is still a home to me. I always feel comfortable and I think I always will.