Excluding Myself
Why do I choose to be on the outside?
Recently I had the opportunity to make some headway and bond with some of my future family members and I didn’t. Why did I remove myself from the fun?
I told myself that it was because of my competitive nature and that I wouldn’t enjoy it if others didn’t take it seriously or play by the rules. I see this happen in simple things when I am with people I feel comfortable with too. I want to do it right and be good at it. If I am not good at it I still want to try my best. Why is it that I cannot just let down my guard and have fun, or be a kid again? Why must I, in sobriety take things so seriously? Is it truly my competitive nature or is there a deeper fear of not being good at what ever it is like I thought I was when I was younger? As I look at this behavior of mine deeply I begin to wonder if it is really just my Ego stepping up and saying that “I am too competitive to enjoy it” to protect my fearful Id that doesn’t think it can do what it once thought it could. Am I so afraid of not being good at everything that I still exclude myself from joining in?
Going forward I am going to try to force myself to feel uncomfortable in these situations so that I can grow and learn from them. How else can I expect to have people except me for who I am if I am afraid of letting them see my failures as well as my triumphs. Nobody is perfect, so why do I expect myself to be perfect? I am going to have other opportunities to join in with my future family and I have to be okay with not being perfect and at the same time I have to be okay diving in. I cannot expect them to bring me into the fold if I sit on the outside of the circle and never give them the opportunity to get to know me as I am. This will not be easy as they are prone to ridicule and judgment, yet still I have to put my faith in the fact that I am good no matter what others think. I don’t have to prove that I am good at doing things beyond being a good person. My fear cannot be allowed to overshadow what I truly desire and that is to be a part of her family. I will still have to be careful not to fall into my old habits of trying too hard to be accepted and trying to look cool or have a better story. I was big on “one upmanship” when I was a user and needed to feel like I fit in. There is more for me to think on and write about before I will be good at this. I guess I don’t have to be good at it right away, I just have to accept that I will make mistakes and that it only matters how I feel about them and how she feels about me. Time to grow up a little more before I can ever really think about marrying her and becoming a part of her family.